the amazing bendy woman!

I wiggled. I squirmed. And somehow, I managed to give myself a pedicure!

Oh, what a little pampering does for the female spirit!

The color I did is called Purple Passion. I like it. It makes my fat feet look... well, still fat, but at least stylish.

It's a peculiar thing: I only like my toes painted a deep purple or black, or not painted at all. Strange tastes, I suppose.

(FYI: these are not my feet - but aren't those booties adorable!? I'm totally making some for myself.... :)

the mad/ sad scientist, primrose and castor oils...

Tomorrow is my pregnancy anti-stress test. Upon doing some research, I found out that:

1. The process takes about 1/2 hour. Methinks I'll bring a book...

2. It's being done because I'm overdue (well, duh), and they want to check my fluid levels and baby's movements (which, believe me, have been strong and consistent! It's as if he's attempting to make a break for it via my esophagus... or belly button...)

3. During the test, some women are given a drip of pit. This is so the doctors can get a couple good contractions going, and see how the baby handles the stress of it. I think that's why, anyway, if I understand correctly. That kind of freaks me out, though - what if it's too much and I go into labor right then and there? Is that even possible? I really, really don't care to be induced, unless it's a drastic medical emergency...

At any rate, I'm thinking I will take along either one of my sisters or mom, for support. I wish Jonathan could be there, but alas - his 9-5 is pretty rigid.

So yeah, that's my update on the pregnancy front. Geesh. I feel like I'm being annoying! I should have had this baby a month ago, right?! Many people are waiting, waiting, waiting for me to pop, and every time I don't have an update - along the lines of I HAD THE BABY - I feel like I'm letting everyone down!!

I even skipped church this morning because - God bless the people in our gathering, I love them all dearly! - but if I hear "WOAH!!! YOU HAVEN'T HAD THE BA-BAY YET!?" one more time, I may go on a crazy-eyed murderous spree....

Obviously, I'm making a funny. People just love babies, tis true. And I would rather feel loved and cared for than... not. Yeah :)

Haha... side note: I skipped because of that, and because none of my shoes fit on my feet anymore.

... and my only pair of maternity pants have a ghastly hole in the crotch.

... AND because I had a meltdown due to (oi vey... this is embarrassing!) my aforementioned lack of wardrobe options. I'm not a materialistic person, but having nothing (absolutely, literally nothing) to wear (save for my trusty brown gauchos) gets a tad frustrating. My poor Jonathan came in from the bathroom, clean and nicely dressed, to find his blubbering, pregnant wife, bent over a pile of perfectly beautiful (albeit, too small) clothing. "Nothing FIIIIIITS! Boohooooo booo hoooooooo!!! I WANT to go to church, but I CAN'T!"

Oh, wow. Vulnerability at it's finest, people.

Anyway, I'm over it now. I'm wearing said brown gauchos, and going to make some lunch for Elijah Bean and myself. Everyone else should be back from worship in an hour or so.

Thanks for lending your listening ears, loves.

omg

A friend sent this to me tonight. Interesting, to say the least.

Was this really the behavior expected of women back then? Really. I mean, I am all about having dinner ready when my husband comes home (er... most times...), letting him unwind and take a breather while fresh from the daily grind, but to THIS absurd extent? "His topics of conversation are more important than yours"? "A good wife always knows her place"?!?!

Chauvinism is gross. This article has got to be a joke!

AHH!

sleep, slumber, and snickerdoodles

This early morning had me entrapped in one of those rare occasions of wondrous, deep sleep and overly-vivid dreams. Absolute bliss for a woman 10+ months pregnant! Ha.

Elijah had woken earlier than usual (around 6). He had reached over, flicked on the ceiling light (as he always does), and began to preoccupy himself with books in his crib. My mom, up early for a shower, peeked in on him through the cracked door; Elijah caught a glimpse of her, and became ecstatic at the thought of "Gamama" saving him from his confines. Knowing that if she didn't take him from his crib that he'd probably barrel-roll out in an attempt for freedom, my mom "rescued" him. She changed his diaper for me (always a grand gesture), and then sent him running, full of energy and giggles, into my dark, still room.

"Mamamamamamamamamamamamamamaaaaa maaaa maaaa mamamamamama!"

The sweetest word (words?) ever screamed. Honestly. Even at 15 minutes past 6 AM :)

Elijah peaked under our duvet, trying to find my head so he could cover it in kisses. He then began to "pull" me from my warm slumber, using my hair as leverage. Uuuuh. And I, being so enormous (and sore, and sleepy) took 10 minutes (literally) to roll (literally) out of bed.

It was definitely one of those "I-AM-a-mother-suck-it-up" moments! By no means a bitter moment. Rather, a good and solid moment - the kind of moment only other mothers could understand. You know?

Anyway, my main point is this: despite the beauty of being a mother, it's difficult at times to find the energy, right? Right. Why is it that our children possess all the energy? Should it not be the other way around? I mean, mamas - and daddies, too - have all the responsibility and work, whether around the house or outside of it. Would it not make better sense for us to have access to this endless well of spunk and pep?

It's so *not* fair! A fierce tornado of crayons, books, diapers, giggles AND tantrums VS me - a groggy, so very pregnant, "Could I go to the bathroom first? Mumble, mumble..." mama.

The contrast of it all makes me laugh!

Anyway. That is all.

Now that my little tomato is napping - this mama will be catching up on her rest. Who knows when I will go into labor (if ever, yeah?) and I will certainly want to be well rested for that!

When 'Lijah wakes up this afternoon, we'll be making snickerdoodles for the Living Nativity refreshments tonight. Should be a fun time - I have been commissioned to take photographs for the local paper. Could be an excellent way to get my foot in the door - as far as free-lance photojournalism is concerned. Hmm. Shall see.

Alright. Now for that nap.

Love and light.

i've concluded that i'm always in the nesting phase....

I've been productive and giddy this morning, even though my belly continues to loom like a gigantic barrel of jello strapped around my middle and my feet are swollen up like over-sized water balloons!

I laundered so many poopy cloth diapers right when I awoke this morning. Oy.

That is one priority to tackle in this next chapter of parenting - potty training. A partial list is as follows: 1. Have this second Baby, 2. Transition Elijah to a big bed (because he keeps doing acrobatics out of his crib), 3. THEN get Elijah out of dipes and on the pot! I'm hopeful for that process, though had not been so dedicated to the cause since... well, recently. But I can't do it now... too much other stuff hanging in the air, and I am one who likes to take it one thing at a time. I need to be fully engaged. Otherwise, it's mediocre, a mess, and stress. So there you are.

He'll do fine when the time comes. In the meantime, cloth diapers are actually my savior - no having Jonathan run for TWO sets of diapers on his way home from work. What crapola. No pun intended.

****************************************

I made a huge batch of cranberry muffins for a friend. Cranberries are astounding little super-fruits, aren't they? And between the delish cranberry and orange relish I whipped up for Thanksgiving, and the cranberry muffins, and the cranberry tea I've been sipping this afternoon, I should dare say I'll never have another UTI as long as I live :)

One can hope...

****************************************

I like to write when Elijah's napping. It's the only time I feel safe enough... as in, I know he's not scrawling blue crayon all over my parent's television or windows or coffee table. He's not terrorizing the cats. He's not plopping mama's tea candles in the toilet. Which, whatever, in my book... except, if the toilet hasn't been flushed. Then... it's a little bothersome. We abide by the "If it's yellow..." mantra, so it *has* happened. Urine soaked candles. Uck.

****************************************

Baby Bean - I cannot wait to reveal his actual name! - has been ultra-wiggly this morning. "Come on, my little Pickle!" I say in a commanding voice, directed toward my abdomen. "Wiggle your way downward - or you're GROUNDED!"

Does anyone have advice on getting the baby to drop? Or does that just happen during contractions? Lightening, I believe it's called, right? Is there anything I can actually do, aside from jumping on a trampoline, to get this goober down and out?

Four days until an anti-stress test, which I think determines the baby's weight and the amount of amniotic fluid in the womb, among other things... I could go into labor before then, though, which would be so cool - avoid that whole process altogether. I don't want my doctor meddling any more than she probably wants to, with inductions and all this and that.

******************************************

O! Tis snowing outside. Just noticed. That's the first snow of the season for small-town Beligum. Let's see if it accumulates...

Hark! My cocoa is done a-brewing. I'm going to pour some of that luscious, liquid chocolate into my big, bad winter mug (the one with candy cane stripes and snowflakes on it - the one I painted at the Mud Room some years back...) Then, I'll be curling up with a book - a cookbook, actually. Ina Garten's Soup Recipes. She fabulous, you know. Then I'll take a wee catnap.

Goat cheese and asparagus pasta tonight for dinner. Mmmm.

feeling better :)

Yes, yes. The meltdown is a mysterious thing, ain't it?

Thank you, vast blogosphere, for letting me vent to you. Like throwing cares to the wind... only not quite as private, leaving me more vulnerable... you know, with the potential of the entire world reading and all.

Oh well.

My mother is truly my #1 cheerleader right now. I was being a total downer.... humming and hoo-ing around the house about how I would never have a natural birth. And she told me to shut my face and start being positive. How's that for loving honesty? So there you go. I'm deciding, right now and right here, to stop worrying about it. I still have a week. There is no reason why I can't do this. Elijah was breech, big, and not budging. That's why the first section happened. This baby is head down, average sized, and I'm dilated and "soft." So I'm on the path, man! I'm at least in better odds than before.

Also, may it be noted: I know I go on and on about how important having a natural birth is to me... and it is, yes. But just because Elijah was taken via section does not make me look at his birth with any less love and fond memory. The section itself was not a horrific experience. The recovery was no big deal. I was able to nurse Elijah relatively soon after, and hold him within the hour of his birth, which doesn't always happen for women who have sections, so in that I was fortunate. I was never depressed about it, though disappointed for a short time.

Anyway, it should go without saying that I love him just as much as if I pushed him out. I mean, duh. That, in the long run, is all that matters. He's here. He's one spit-fire of a boy. He's the pulse of my heart, and I love him tremendously.

And whatever becomes of this pregnancy's end, I will be able to say the same for Baby Bean.

Mushy mushy. *I love my children!*

I think I am in better spirits now, too, because... well, I just have blessings coming out my EYEBALLS, so what's not to be thankful for? Ah, the small things in life: All week, I had been craving yogurt-covered pretzels and chocolate milk. And today, my sweet sister Ash got me some yogurty pretzels (complete with festive holiday sprinkles :), and my adoring husband brought me my own little "juice-box" size of chocolate milk. Score, DOUBLE score!

Both acts of kindness made my spirit soar. Aside from the temporary yumminess of it all, I felt in my core very loved and surrounded by strong supports. Best sister Ashley EVER. Best husband EVER.

Smiles.

Alright, I must go to sleep. I could go into labor tonight....! Who knows?

in other news, because it's not all about me :)

*Elijah is going to be a sheep in the Christmas Eve play! Can't wait... we've been working on his mad "baa-ing" skills. Baby Bean (who, Good LORD, will hopefully be here by then!) will be playing sweet baby Jesus.

*Currently, while Elijah naps, I'm brushing up on "The Happiest Baby on the Block." The calming techniques offered in the book are what helped us with Elijah when he was a teeny one. Such good stuff - I encourage every new mother to check it out! I have a friend at church named Renie - she teaches birthing classes at the Ozaukee St. Mary's, and has offered me so much wanted, invaluable advice during this pregnancy. I lovingly refer to her as my "doula." Anyway, she got her hands on the DVD for me, and is letting me borrow it. Yay!

*Jon's good friend from college, Mark Tjapkes, is in town and coming over for a visit tonight. His wife, Tracy, is due on Christmas with their first daughter; however, she is already dilated to 3 and experiencing contractions... so, she'll probably have her baby girl before I birth my baby boy! Oy!

*Jonathan and I discovered this little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop in Cedar Grove - The Cracked Shoe. I've been there a couple times with friends and sisters to get drinks and muffin tops, but never with Jon to actually eat. I ordered a grilled cheese on cibatta with a steamy bowl of Dutch tomato soup, and he ordered a raspberry jam and Swiss cheese melt on rye. Interesting, delicious. Elijah helped me eat my fare, though he spent most of the time playing in the corner with colorful blocks and trucks. Yeah - that's definitely a big draw for us - a children's play corner. And since Cedar Grove is a small town (just under 2,000 peeps) it was quiet and cozy, felt like we were in our own home, only better, because the food was made for us and we didn't have to clean up the mess :) We'll definitely go back. Free wi-fi, unique and independent setting, delish food and drinks, owned by a Christian couple (so we discovered during conversation with the wife, who was working that night), and only 8 minutes away! Perfect.

*You know how I've been cuddling with Elijah every night for the past couple months, soaking in the last "alone" days with my big baby boy? Meh, maybe you don't... well, anyway, I've been doing that, trying to enjoy him as much as the "little one" before he transforms into the big brother. I fear, however, that he's grown too accustomed to the rocking before bed... hopefully, I'll either be able to phase that out gradually once Baby Bean arrives, or it won't be that big of a deal for Elijah... or for me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Elijah can certainly still fall asleep on his own, but I rather enjoy that 20 minute slot of bonding. And I think he does too :)

Oh, my sweet redheaded angel! I've been running my fingers through his red locks, not wanting to trim them for fear of one more change!

Together in the past two weeks, we've filled three gigantic floor pads with colors and pictures of "loo-de-loos" (circles) and other shapes - which he is excellent at naming, I might add. Even octogons! I've seen this baby go from red-skinned, wrinkly and completely dependent on me to a joyful (though he has his days!), intelligent, and increasingly independent young boy. All in a matter of two years! It never ceases to amaze me! He'll take the role of big brother well, I think. I hope :)

*Off to nap now... then more walking this afternoon. More raspberry tea. More bouncing on the yoga ball. More praying.

and the baby drama continues...

I had my membranes stripped today.

Eww, I know. But it really sounds more painful and disgusting than it actually is. For those of you who don't know what membrane stripping entails, it's basically: while the doctor is "all up in my business" she gently separates the amniotic sac from my cervix. This promotes "irritation" and helps to get things going... However, like always, it works differently for every woman (some have their baby within 48 hours of having their membranes stripped, others need multiple strippings, and still others may get their water broken accidentally during the procedure and be thrown into labor right then and there - unfortunately, the latter did not happen to me).

It was no big deal - child's play :) It did jump-start minor contractions, but nothing substantial. And as of now, my uterus is still and silent. I'm sitting comfortably on my yoga ball, bouncing up and down, trying to get my dang cervix to open up more (I was dilated to 3 last week - no change today. Boo).

Baby is still high, too - which I cannot believe! I need some mighty contractions to wiggle this babe downward - and pronto!!

I am trying to remain the optimist, but quickly becoming discouraged - this is IT! If by next week there is still no baby, I will be induced. If that fails, then another C-section. And if *that* happens, it's sections for the rest of my baby-makin' days. This makes me angry and frustrated and mournful - not just bummed out or sad - but mournful. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does.

I want my baby to be safe and healthy, first and foremost - I mean, isn't that what all mamas want? But I also desire to prove to myself and those "horror-story-tellers-of-all-things-pregnancy-related" that I CAN do this (whether that's a legit reason or not...). I want to be empowered by the strength in my body, experiencing it perform what it was meant to do, raw and real. I want to do what is safest, for myself and my child. I want to hold that baby instantly. There has always been this deep-rooted drive in me to experience a natural birth. And to think that it could never happen.... *ugh*

I really don't want to have to be cut open for every child we have. If I wanted to do that, then I would have a frickin' zipper installed along my bikini line! AH!!!!

*LONG SIGH* I just needed to put my thoughts and feelings out there... and that's exactly all it is. My thoughts and my feelings; maybe even a tad skewed since I am writing on sheer, raging emotion.

Please continue to pray with me, send your good vibes, whatever. God controls what will happen, and in that I take comfort. He will get glory no matter what happens. Still, my humanness wants things to happen a certain way... and I am passionate about why I want it to happen that certain way. So it's difficult to let it go.

early lent

... immediately after this baby is born, I am fasting from Facebook. Just thought I would let you all know that...

argh.

november is for lovers

The November 12-30 "window" is drawing to a close... seriously. I thought by now I would have a warm, tiny bundle in my arms. Alas. He is still nestled snug in my womb - and has extremely worn out his welcome!

I am trying to be patient...

It's not even so much the physical discomfort... I can deal with the gargantuan belly, braxton hicks, and swollen, stubby fingers. I simply want this next chapter of my life to begin already, instead of having it hang for an unknown amount of time, so apprehensive to have its page turned. I want to meet this baby! My second born son... my little, shy angel.

Ahhhh.

Side note: Jon is so good to put up with me how he does: making my raspberry leaf tea; carrying huge baskets of laundry downstairs; rubbing my back and feet. What a sweet soul. I am certainly one lucky duck, people.

Not all is woe on the pregnancy progression: I *am* dilated 3 cm - haven't even felt it really, aside from some minor contractions. No biggies... thus far. I keep dreaming that I will be one of those women who wake up in bed with a couple miniature cramps, and then BAM - baby's here! What a blessing to be able to drop a baby like that? Amazing. Two of my younger sisters, Ashley and Anna, both had very short labors and deliveries. I pray and pray that this is my case.

In other baby news, I just have to say. I know tons of ladies who are expecting now! I think it's pretty sweet. My older sister, Erin (which is *super* exciting! She and my brother-in-law Jeff have been trying to conceive for over 4 years... Praise to the Lord!), my friends Lisa (her 1st), Mary (her 3rd), Sarah (her 1st), and... I feel like there are more that I've recently caught wind of, but even there! Four beautiful babies to be born in 2010! Please pray for these women and their baby beans. Their husbands too!

Okey dokey. There's more than I intended to write tonight. I am exhausted from the day: SO much baking (nesting, I'm sure) in preparation for Thanksgiving - pumpkin whoopie pies, cranberry-orange muffins, and fall cut-out cookies. And then cleaning tomorrow.

Peace to the world tonight.

quote of the day

"Blessed are those who give without remembering; and blessed are those who take without forgetting."

the three s's of inducing labor....

Squats, stairs, and spicy food.

Come out, baby, COME OUT!

~~~~~

I am reading To Kill A Mockingbird - for the billionth time in my life. I absolutely love this book. The writing, the tensions, the characters. Simply beautiful.

~~~~~

I just ate a huge garden salad. And I mean HUGE. I found a Tupperware bowl in the back of my mom's cupboard... one of those big white bowls you usually store massive amounts of leftovers in. You know? Yeah - THAT big. Romaine, romas, button mushrooms, cukes, and chickpeas - all drizzled in my mom's homemade ranch dressing. MM MM MMMMM!

But now I have a tummy ache.

~~~~~

I thought I had a contraction today. Obviously, it was just a sneaky Braxton Hicks though, since no more followed. Ugh. I was really, really hoping. I practiced my breathing through it and everything, thinking "This is it! C'MON!" And then - my uterus was silent again.

What a tease!

Ah, here it is only one day after my due date, and I am already thinking the worst! Meh. I guess I should stop running into these women who go on and on and on about how they were almost an entire MONTH overdue.

How is that even possible!? AN ENTIRE MONTH!? I... would not be able to move.

"No more bad vibes, Emili. It's not going to be that long....."

~~~~~

Elijah and I made colorful paper turkeys and leaves this morning before his nap. He giggled the cutest giggles while I traced his chubby hand with my pencil - "Da tickle, mama!"

Ahhh, I wish I had a camera man on that boy every second of the day. He brightens my life.

~~~~~

Now, to nap a bit. Tonight, Jonathan and I are on the hunt for Baby Bean's first teddy bear. This is (or will be) a tradition for all our babies. Finding that first, squishy, loveable heap of golden fuzz for them to love while they're growing up. Elijah loves his bear, Atticus, no doubt!

Love and light

*whine whine whine*

First, my due date was November 12.... then it was Nov 30 (simply because baby looked smaller than a Nov-12-due baby would).... then it went back to the 12 (because that's what made the most sense according to the calender).

So. I don't know.

All I DO know is that I am secretly hoping my doctor accidentally breaks my water today during my checkup. Is that even possible? Gosh, I hope so...!

I am really "in the mood" to have a baby. You know? I don't even care about the prospect of pain and stretching and.... Just bring it on, let me do this, let me get it over with! I have the energy right now, I feel very balanced spiritually and emotionally, I feel like I (with the Lord's almighty hand of help) CAN DO THIS!!

So let's get crackin'!

I'll keep you updated, loves.

Until then, this is Sore Mama, signing out.

my little pumpkin - gathering pumpkin seeds and leaves

Before the massacre began.... poor little pumpkins!

Tossing the soccer ball with daddy

Helping Grandma Wood plant hyacinth, tulip, and daffodil bulbs in the garden beds

Wagging his trowel at me, after I asked if he wanted to go inside.

Fondant tulips in the ground - check!

Showing mama bits of corn stalk he ripped off the porch decor... Don't tell grandma!!

Little pumpkin and chubby fingers :)

so close i can almost TASTE it!

BADA-BOOM!

I had a lovely (if that's the right word?) visit with my OB today... and I have wonderful news! She checked on the babe's position, and he is HEAD DOWN! I am even dilated 1 cm! Which doesn't seem like that much when stacked against the other 9 I need to obtain, but still, I think that warrants a hearty "Wahoooo!"

Also, doc estimated baby to be, um, "regular" size. I guess as opposed to Elijah's "huge" size? Anyway, she said a VBAC is certainly a go... and with my tall stature should be a relatively "easy" pursuit. Hmm. Ok.

I was able to see an ultrasound of baby, too - one last view in the womb. It's neat to see that tiny, perfectly rounded skull just bobbing around in there, so quiet and unassuming... and then BAM. It comes charging through my nether regions. Yikes! "Thanks for the visual, Em...."

Anyway, I am retiring. Jonathan just got home, and I want to share this excitement with him!

Love and light.

elijah's artwork, and some leaves we found on the lawn

two gorgeous days in a row... who would have thought?

On today's agenda:

*I am applying for a position at the Random Lake Library. It wouldn't begin until next July, so it fits in perfectly with having the new baby and re-obtaining some form of schedule (at least with Elijah, he was sleeping through the night by 6 months; hopefully Baby Bean will follow suit). Anyway, I know one of the ladies who works there, and she suggested I jump on the opening right away - we shall see. I loved my job at the library when I worked during college... would enjoy doing it again, methinks.

*Then it's up to Plymouth - we're going to Anna's house for the day. Lunch? Coffee? Hopefully the park, since it's so incredibly gorgeous outside! Need to take advantage of this weather, people.

*Then... Jonathan comes home (he carpooled with his boss today, so he'll be home a little later than usual). I'm planning on dinner... my dad suggested asparagus and goat cheese pasta (I've had it a couple times - mm mm mm!)

To finish the day, it's off to the Port Washington Library to return other books, videos, and such. Tuesdays are our library days - obviously.

Morning reading time starts up next month... hopefully I'll be able to juggle two babies and still make it. I'll feel it out; I WANT to make it, seeing as it's going to be one of the only means of "getting out" for me this winter - and for Elijah to have that essential interaction with other little ones... sigh. Having children in the winter or so close to winter is kinda stinky. Mama feels a little trapped!

*Ok - off to bathe, dress, get some tea, and commence the remainder of the day. Elijah is coloring.

and then there was veruka!

Well, THIS car isn't *technically* Veruka (ver-OO-ka), but... she looks exactly like this. (I haven't been able to get outside and take pictures of our own sweet car yet because of cruddy weather. Go figure.)

Yes, her name is Veruka. She is a girl.

She is silver and pretty and smells nice. She hails from the land of Honda. She enjoys coffee (just like me!) and long drives on the freeway. Veruka is a wonderful blessing! (absolutely was Billy, too; but I feel a wee safer about putting two children in this one :)

She is the newest addition to the Butrin family (apoligies go out to Baby 2, who should have been the next addition, but... you snooze, you lose, sweatheart! Maybe next time, you'll hurry up and get out of my WOMB!)

Hehe.

at least we got 100 bucks for him...

Billy the Car has died.

Tis true.

He began to show signs of great physical distress early last weekend, and by Saturday afternoon his axle and lower ball joint had collapsed in the middle of a busy intersection. No one saw it coming. Friends and family were absolutely flabbergasted at the suddenness of the loss.

In an attempt to save his fragile life, he was rushed via tow truck to the car hospital, but it was too late. There was nothing the mechanics could do for him.

He went peacefully.

Billy's life was full of miles - 298,352 of them, to be exact.

Rust damage may have wearied his appearance; his squeaky steering wheel may have been annoying as hell; that dang driver's side tire of his may have always been leaking air; and he may have always reeked of gas... but he was a good friend, a *mostly* reliable (albeit, unsafe) vehicle. Eh, no regrets. Thank you for your service, Billy. We love you, and will miss you.

Jonathan and I said our goodbyes near the graveyard, surrounded by Billy's many lovely friends... other Hondas, some Toyotas, a couple Fords. Many tears were shed.

Rust in Peace, sweet Billy.

1992-2009

rain, rain go away

It's another rainy, rainy Thursday.

I've been playing puzzles and reading with Elijah all morning. And now I think it's time to start up lunch - some homemade ribollita. I've never made it before, but the recipe I stumbled across looks amazingly appetizing. Not too difficult, I gather... I hope!

Then weekly coffee date with the fabulous Melody. I am thinking a pumpkin spice latte. It would be my first of the season. And of course, it'll be decaf.

Boo.

I made some Halloween decorations with Elijah for his windows - some friendly little ghosts and goblins. They're pretty darn cute, if I do say so myself...

Oh, and I have decided - Elijah is going trick or treating as (*drum roll*) Conan O'Brien.

Anna and I shared a good laugh over this one. We'll see if I can actually pull this off :)

out and about in the autumn

Elijah giving Caleb a ride in the coupe. Finally - a gorgeous autumn day!

My cutey pie, sporting a slightly girlish, although adorable, sweatshirt knitted by sweet Mrs. Schoeter from church.

Admiring a new friend, Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy. This was Elijah's first contact with a woolly bear caterpillar! I remember collecting these things in milk bottles when my sisters and I were younger.


Saying goodbye to Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy, putting him back into the soil from where he came :)

less than a month... now it's gets SCARY!

Thoughts on bringing another little one into this world? Mixed, to say the least.

First of all, it should go without saying that I am just plain giddy to meet this little chubby-cheeked babe of mine! Wiggly little pickle has been so active. Can't wait to lay eyes on him for the first time - there is nothing like that moment, am I right, fellow mamas?

Will he have blazing red hair like his older brother? Will he weigh almost 10 lbs like his older brother, too? Gosh, I hope not (since I am attempting a VBAC!) Will he be a talker, a good sleeper, roll over early....? Questions are endless, as I realize that he is a different person than Elijah... different personality and passions and path of life.

I'm overjoyed at the prospect of holding another baby boy in my arms, nursing and cuddling him, changing heaps of diapers (I just ordered *new* Fuzzi Bunz and am stoked... can't wait to compare to the old fashion birds-eye cloth we semi-used last time - ugh - no fun. But I have high hopes for these pocket diapers... they've been recommended to me a trillion times over. So yay!).

I'm eager to see how a 21-month old and infant interact. That's a completely different angle we missed when we had only Elijah to care for. The thought of introducing the two for the first time has me... well, not really sure what to expect. My mom, who had me and my sisters all very close, said it's nothing to worry about. It's going to happen: the love, the jealousy, everything. There's no use in trying to predict the reactions of a toddler, although (and I retain this position) there are right and wrong ways to introduce big sibling to little sibling. You know?

I'm excited AND terrified at the prospect of raising two little "men-of-God-in-the-making," though I am confident in the Lord's power, not mine. If it were all me... oh no. Then being terrified would make all the more sense! All I can do is continue to be a praying mother and - hopefully - *strong* example of love and steadfastness and patience. I trust that the Lord will nudge them early on, that my children will grow and seek Him, wanting to better themselves and their world and the neighbors across their world. Oh, how I pray this daily.

I'm a little sad at losing what could have been significant one-on-one time with the only other child I've ever carried. I think that is normal... hopefully! Not that I resent having this baby, at all! I just have caught myself wondering how it would be different if it would have always been just me, Jonathan, and Elijah. Or, if we had waited three years, and then began having more babies. Hmm.

Anyway, I have been making the most of these "last" weeks - taking oodles of pictures and video footage, playing with Elijah more earnestly, reading ENTIRE books instead of skipping some pages... (I'm SORRY! but "One Fish, Two Fish" gets really, really long after three times through!! :) I've been rocking Elijah to sleep almost every night, even though he is perfectly capable of drifting off by himself in his bed. I've been mentally locking away scents and feelings and sounds. I feel that, even though a big part of me will miss this season, I will love the next one more furiously.

I have very little regret for the past 21 months - despite the sleepless nights, the chapped whatevers, the frustrated moments, the millions of pounds of Kashi Honey Sunshine dumped on the floor... the moments I lost my cool and yelled... I am, after all, only human. But I hugged and kissed and said "I love you" and "God bless you" more times than I could ever hope to document. I don't ever want to proclaim myself as a "good mother," but I have done my best thus far, and that's only by God's all-sufficient, helping hands.

Well, ok... I think I have made it clear - I'm excited, overjoyed, terrified, a teeny sad.

And Baby Bean is not even here yet!

I have been referring to Baby Bean by his actual name to Elijah, even though it's still shrouded in mystery for everyone else! I'm wanting his little ears to get used to hearing the name. I am also wanting him to get used to the idea of another entity around the house. For example: we just set up the bassinet in our room. I showed Elijah and said, "This is where baby ___ is going to sleep!" He looked at the bassinet, with a faint familiarity (since it was, at one time, his own), looked back up at me, and went "Shhh, bebe." Or whenever baby kicks, I say "Aw, baby ___ wants to come out and play with you. Would you like that?" Sometimes I get an enthusiastic "Yah." Other times, it's "Doh/ no." I am sure it will be the same sentiments once baby ___ is out. Children are so fickle.

Oh man... I have been sore lately. A 24-year old woman stuck inside an 80-year old's creaking body. Pelvis popping, sciatic nerve twitching (THAT, my friends, is the most annoying sensation EVER invented), abs feeling like they're on fire and itching. Praise be to God, but I have not received any new stretch marks!! *Doing a little dance* OOPS! I should really keep my mouth shut... I do still have threeish weeks to go... But seriously. I forgot what a baby I can be in this last month of pregnancy. I feel like I should have my own gravitational pull :(

I cannot wait to walk smoothly and normally again, or get out of bed without having to grip onto my nightstand for leverage, bend over to clip my own toe nails (this is a sure sign that your husband loves you: when he clips your toenails! Oh, I love him).

Sorry this post is so obnoxiously long! I just had a lot to put out there, a lot pent up in this busy mama brain... and I actually did have more I wanted to tackle, but I'll wait for tomorrow's nap time.

For the remaining hour or so, I will whittle away on articles and edit photos.

Thanks for reading, loved ones.

trying to write during naps

O!

Update on the writing front...

I have been working on three articles for Mothering Magazine. I am not entirely sure how submitting them is going to unfold, but I do know that they're always accepting new articles from readers, and I have been feeling a little nudge from above to do... something.... so. Here we go!

The articles are all of my personal experience. Article #1 is on breastfeeding after a C-section; Article #2 captures all the ups and downs of living with parents while maintaining a marriage, motherhood, and a sense of independence; Article #3 displays my on-going battle with old-fashioned cloth diapering.

So, yeah. I'm trying to focus on one story at a time... it proves difficult to write (or write well, anyway) when a child is up and about. You fellow mamas/ writers know... :)

Thanks for prayers as I pursue this! Love and light

peanut butter cookies with the wee one

Baby Bean has been bustling about all day. I have no clue what he's up to, but I do know my abs could use a break from the abuse! It's as if he's cleaning his bedroom, or playing soccer, or mowing the lawn... something that requires a lot of movement. He must have gotten a smidgen of the coffee I drank this morning... *blush*

So yes, I did it to myself. But it was a SMALL cup! I promise! It shouldn't have even counted as caffeine... hmph.

Elijah assited me in packing my hospital bag this morning - what a wonderful helper! He's going to make an outstanding brother - he's even been practicing holding and "tucking-in" babies with his teddy bear, Atticus. Adorable! One afternoon, I walked into his bedroom and found Elijah bent over his bear, which was lying on the floor. Atticus was covered in a blue blanket, his little furry head on a throw pillow. Then Elijah kissed Atticus' nose, turned to me, and with a chubby finger to his lips, went "Shhhhhhhh, mama." I teared up (*cough*cough*hormones*).

This afternoon, we played with his new puzzles, and colored with his soy crayons (which I picked up from this hole-in-the-wall education store in Cedarburg). He loves them... as do I. It was one of those purchases which was a tad ulterior-motive-driven, but hey. Coloring is therapeutic.

Elijah is resting now. When he wakes up, he'll get a bath, we'll make peanut butter cookies, and then head out for the late afternoon. Jonathan will take baby for bonding and errand-running while I grab TEA (not coffee) with the girls. Again, therapeutic.

Seriously. Who needs a therapist when you have coloring books and sweet friends? And tea. Yeah. And an amazing family. Yep. That's about it...

the sleepy elijah

So sorry for the bluish color of this - I had to rush to capture this guy, literally falling face-first into his peachy waffles.

I have never seen him do such a thing! He was clearly exhausted - but also hungry. So while he was eating, he would try with such gusto to keep his eyes open, shoveling the waffles in his mouth as fast as he could. But to no avail - sleepiness overcame! He ended up falling dead asleep halfway through his eating endeavors.

My sweetheart....

Helping mama with the laundry... or something of that nature.

Sleeping with Atticus the Bear

He does this.... *shrug*